The Weights May Be Lifting, They Just May

I feel that now that it is spring, I am not a brittle, cold thing weighed down under three feet of snow and commitments. The snow, at least, has melted, and I can see the end of some of the commitments. The Izer says that I'm a child and a poser for hating my research so. And it's not that I hate the actual work so much, it's that I hate the guilt that I associate with it for my own lack of responsible behavior towards it this past summer -- and now, the stress that I associate with it for my lack of time to finish it before I must present. But the end is in sight. I've got the "experiment" half over with, and it may be finished tomorrow afternoon. Then just the data analysis and creation of a poster, and the presentation... Ahhhh! An actual result.

My to-do lists have not gone as perfectly as one might have hoped, but they did allow me to get a lot more done than usual. Whenever I started to wander and get distracted (hm... I wonder what's in the fridge?), I thought "wait, you're supposed to be doing such-and-such on your list, so that you can put a glorious check by it." And I would actually get back on track. Imagine that.

As for Nik's comment as to whether I wished to actually confront the things I have to do... it's true, I do tend to avoid the items on the list which I don't wish to do anyway (such as making phone calls -- I still have a terrible phobia of calling people I'm not familiarly close with (*rolls eyes*... long story)) But in the end, I've been forced into them anyway. And being able to check them off in the end is definitely quite satisfying.

And on the gym front... well, all I can say is that spring break and the push to get my reasearch through have hampered my efforts, but I am not lacking in resolve to get back to it once my schedule has a little more room to breathe. I'm truly looking forward to it.

If I am writing oddly, it is the past few days I have spent translating Goethe for German class, and just tonight I viewed the splendid 90's movie version of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." A most excellent film.

*Turn and face the strain, ch-ch-changes*

Some things N. said on her blog recently got me thinking about stuff that I know I've been feeling lately. And even though the feelings have been pretty darn strong, they've still been kinda vague. But I was finally able to put it into words today: If you want to change, you've got to start doing things differently. It sounds sooo simple, but it is deceptive.

The normal mode for so many of us (myself included) is: 1) feel discomfort; 2) think that we've accomplished something by realizing that we're uncomfortable; and 3) do something akin to whining and kvetching about it. But nothing changes.

I realized today, or maybe yesterday, I don't know when... that I'm sick of not getting things done. That I waste too much time doing nothing in particular (usually involving the internet). But I also have trouble, in general, doing tasks that seem amorphous or non-finite. I like clear-cut lists of things to do. And the thought is screaming at me now in my head: why don't I ever make to-do lists for myself? Golly, what a fucking genius I am. I've been trying to work in a way which is no good for me, and not getting much done. Well duhh.

So today I made a to-do list, and I'm quite pleased with it. I didn't finish everything on it, because I'm still trying to regather my skills of concentration after this weird period of depression, ADD, scatterbrainedness, what-have-you... But I know I can accomplish everything on there, even if I have to move the items to tomorrow's list, or the day after tomorrow's list. I'll get it done. And that makes it all seem so much easier.

[--end of profundity--]

And speaking of doing things differently, I went back to the gym again today. I feel good. Only now I feel a cold slinking around in my throat and up to my nose. So a "cold prevention" yoga routine seemed in order. Oh, I may start a tradition of a weekly weigh-in of sorts... Unfortunately I gained a pound, up to 154.5. But it's probably not statistically significant. It'd sure be nice to go down a pound a week or so. But not at the rate I'm eating... there's another thing I've gotta start doing differently. But not so sure about the plan of attack on that one yet. I only know that I have to NOT buy Haagen-Dazs and have it in the freezer, because I WILL eat it. Quickly.

Back from the precipice...

This afternoon I walked around campus with beautiful sunshine on my shoulders and tears welling in my eyes. I had just told my piano teacher I couldn't play the Brahms, and she had sent me away to rest for another week. I'm glad she did, but somehow, being turned away without a lesson, which to me usually feels like therapy, nearly made me cry like a little girl.

(Note to self: stop typing with both hands! Left wrist hurts too much.)

But the good news is that I no longer have two crises to deal with. I met with my reasearch advisor, and we've got a plan, which I can now execute and be done with it.

In other news, I'm spending waaay too much of my time buggering around on the internet. So I should go.

I've Hurt My Arm Again

I spent a few glorious weeks at the piano in my practice room with Brahms' Rhapsody in Gm. The piece is so powerful, so passionate, so velvety, so dark. It gave me shivers to play it.

Then the discomfort started. I stopped playing. I told my teacher about it. We tried to work on ways to help me play without hurting myself, but I think the damage is already done. At least for now. I've hardly played in the past two weeks, and my left arm/wrist/hand/shoulder still hurts, even when I'm not doing anything with it. I don't know what to do. It fills me with such deep sadness to think that I'm losing (again) the one thing which I truly enjoy doing. I don't like most of my classes at school. Work is work. But the piano is ME.

I'm going to my lesson in an hour. I think I need to tell my teacher I need to switch to a different piece. I love the Brahms, but it scares me now. It's too much for me. Bartok, maybe. I hope I have enough time.

On another exciting episode of Yogis of Our Lives...

Yoga really works. I'm saying that, and I'm not even advertising anything. This afternoon, I made the mistake of eating a whole bagel with cream cheese for lunch. I do that sort of thing when I'm feeling my mood and blood sugar dropping, in a sort of weird effort to push it back up. But it's almost always the worst thing to do, since my blood sugar ends up plummeting instead, and I end up with a slump. Especially around 3 in the afternoon. But not today. I ate that bagel, and then I did the 5-minute yoga routine in the OM Yoga Today, then ate a couple of boiled eggs for some protein... and to my surprise, my energy level stayed up. Alison+bagel doesn't equal energy. Hmm... Maybe it was the yoga?

Sorry, this wasn't meant to be the boring yoga blog... it's just really important to me right now, because it a) lowers my stress level; b) helps me get some sort of exercise; c) may help me re-learn how to focus my mind, a skill which I seem to have nearly completely lost in the past year or two (case in point: Isaac calls me "ADD-Girl" quite often).

When will the stress end?

I keep trying to simplify my life, to cut out distractions, to remove things from my proverbial plate. But it's like somebody keeps throwing them back in at me. I wanted to make a clean break to my research, a quick little summary to finish things up, and what am I stuck with? A major problem, which is itself as clear as mud, and deadlines hurtling toward me at a startling rate. I don't even find it interesting. It's mainly something that I'm doing to get the guilt off of my back, and to not look like a total flake and failure to my professors in the department. Covering my ass, basically.

I just hope I get out of this compromising position soon. I'm coping alright so far, but fearful I'll have another breakdown if things don't let up. (For the uninformed, last time I got overwhelmed, particularly with issues relating to my research, and when relations with my advisor were bad, I spent about two days straight either in tears or fighting them off. I went kinda cuckoo. And that was just the acute, epicenter of the cuckoo-ness. The months surrounding that were nearly as bad.)

I wasn't about to go on the elliptical machine in 1 1/2" heeled boots.

So I didn't go to the gym today, because I forgot my gym shoes when I left home this morning. Pooh. But I'll be doing some sort of yoga or pilates as penance.

In other news, our cable company finally installed the trap, which means we have no more cable TV, just internet. Of course they would do that on the very same day there was an episode of What Not to Wear that I was really looking forward to (America's Worst Dressed Couples). I will definitely be asking for the DVD's of Sex and the City for Christmas (they're supposedly coming out with some sort of deluxe edition then).

This leads to the question: What will I be doing with my time, now that I won't be watching TLC for hours on end? Right now I'm thinking I should finish the book or two I've been reading, and get through some of those old New Yorkers sitting around, that I haven't touched. Here's hoping that I won't just end up spending ALL my free time on the internet. Mantra to self: Time management, time management... Do the things you LIKE, not the things that come easiest.

Yoohhhhga.

Tonight, my Borders gift card from a student at Christmas was burning a hole in my purse, and I also had a coupon, no less, for 25% off of a book, which was expiring in 4 days, soo.... Somehow I ended up in the yoga section for about an hour. I desperately browsed the store for other books that were not yoga-related, and which I wanted to buy, but nothing else popped up. And I couldn't find one single Yann Tiersen CD (fabulous composer of soundtracks to Amelie and Goodbye, Lenin!), so I gave up.

One of the books I got has a special series of poses for headaches, I prolly ought to do that sometime soon, since I've had a headache all day.

In other news, I had a helluva fun time teaching today. All the kids were in good form. One little guy, R., who was stone cold for his first few lessons brightened up and got all giggly and cute, and we sang and played "Old MacDonald." The C. kids were just all busy startling me with their brightness.

Update: I just did the headache/eye tension series, and the headache that was with me all day, from just after I got up until 10PM is now mostly dissipated. Yoga rocks.

Dark Red

Mmm... this journal is (currently), as you may have noticed, a deep shade of red. I used to be under the impression that my favorite color was either green or blue, but more and more I find myself surrounding myself with this rich (not bright) red color. It's all over my apartment, and often all over myself, especially when I wear the awesome cashmere hat/gloves/scarf set in this color that my mom gave me.

So this journal isn't just a color, it's... a personality. ;op I do still need to do some tweaking of the colors... some of the defaults from the template are still in there and they look a little off. Perhaps not unlike me...

Gym-boree

Somebody please give me a pat on the back, 'cause I just went to the gym! First time in almost two years. Took it easy, just did a half hour on a bike, but I feel really good now. I weighed in at 153.5 (No, I'm not ashamed to tell my weight -- never have been.) So that means, to get back to my "normal" weight of just under 140, I should aim to lose around 15 pounds. So let it be known that I plan to go back tomorrow afternoon. Hold me to it, please.

I Dub Thee My Personal Blog

Hopping on the blog bandwagon. I already have one blog I don't use, so why not another?

I thought it might be a good idea to start keeping a journal of some sort. I've been going through a lot in the past year or so. Following are my current "issues," which will be the themes discussed, mulled over, ripped up, and strewn around the floor here in the coming days, weeks, months, years.....

-school is coming to a close, and has worn out its welcome. how do I make it through the last couple of semesters without losing my mind, or letting my previously pristine GPA tank?

-time management. I suck at it.

-exercise. I learned as a teenager that my emotional and physical well-beings are tightly correlated. then why don't I make time for exercise? (see previous issue)

-eating. I need to stop eating for emotional comfort. but I think if the previous issue were improved, then this one would fall into place, as well.

-how many things can one girl have on her figurative plate? I think I need another plate.

-communication. I need to learn to do that with Isaac. I'm realizing more and more that he doesn't understand me as much as I thought. a little extra clarification might do much to quell the sources of fights.

-doing things I enjoy. I'm either too laden with guilt about things I should be doing, or too tired to pursue my old hobbies of songwriting, music, reading....

-direction. what the heck do I want to do with my life? I want to save the world but make a heap of money, too. hm....

I know that if I don't get these issues into shape, I'll keep making myself miserable, and I won't be able to go on to enjoy the other things that life has to offer.