The Hangover, The Desperation
This was one hell of a week. Illness, fever, stress, near-nervous breakdown, an inordinate amount of work, all leading up to a big-ass party at my house last night. The party went pretty well, but no-one I personally invited showed. I tell myself I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. What's wrong with me that people don't care to return my phone calls or follow up on their maybe's or probably's? This time I didn't even invite anyone whom I already knew to be a flake that way.
Which leads me back to another story which still is the source of some worriment on my part. I went out on a limb and consciously tried to develop a friendship with a girl last fall. (Since I have no real-life girlfriends, pathetic as that may sound.) She seemed interested enough -- she initiated the exchange of phone numbers, etc., etc. We hung out once or twice, talked on the phone a little, and IM'd. We got along really well. But then we both got busy, the semester break ensued, and when we got back, I invited her to a dinner party. We played voicemail tag. She definitely wanted to come. I left her two messages in order to try and iron out the details so she could come. She never called back. Not even afterward, to apologize for having had something else important come up. Nothing. I was so insulted, I had dreams about it. I didn't know what to do, whether to try and initiate contact again or not. I decided against it. Now when I see her at school, I pretend not to, and just slip by, looking the other way.
It makes me feel so defeated to give up like that, but the fact that I am desperate for friends at times makes me feel incredibly paranoid about appearing desperate, so I get all weird and self-conscious, and trying to make new friends feels like trying to ask out a junior-high-school crush.
I don't know where this is leading, and I have no answers for myself, except that I can't give up, or else I will become just like the direct forebearers of my genes.
Which leads me back to another story which still is the source of some worriment on my part. I went out on a limb and consciously tried to develop a friendship with a girl last fall. (Since I have no real-life girlfriends, pathetic as that may sound.) She seemed interested enough -- she initiated the exchange of phone numbers, etc., etc. We hung out once or twice, talked on the phone a little, and IM'd. We got along really well. But then we both got busy, the semester break ensued, and when we got back, I invited her to a dinner party. We played voicemail tag. She definitely wanted to come. I left her two messages in order to try and iron out the details so she could come. She never called back. Not even afterward, to apologize for having had something else important come up. Nothing. I was so insulted, I had dreams about it. I didn't know what to do, whether to try and initiate contact again or not. I decided against it. Now when I see her at school, I pretend not to, and just slip by, looking the other way.
It makes me feel so defeated to give up like that, but the fact that I am desperate for friends at times makes me feel incredibly paranoid about appearing desperate, so I get all weird and self-conscious, and trying to make new friends feels like trying to ask out a junior-high-school crush.
I don't know where this is leading, and I have no answers for myself, except that I can't give up, or else I will become just like the direct forebearers of my genes.
posted by Alison at 10:08 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home